best thing ever:

do you know what's weird?

you don't know my real name.

evvverybody calls me Callie. everyone i know.

but on my birth certificate? on my passport?

what my mom calls me, and what it says on Official Documents?


I'm Calista.

The icy sweetness of

your lips on mine
sets my eyes on fire with
hot, urgent longing.
Beams of light,
connecting our minds like
glistening strands of silk
dazzle me--
all I can see.
Halting my heart,
bleaching my brain...
The moonlight symphony
of your fingers around mine
lulls me into blinding blackness,
leads me into dreams of
churning water, light refracted
by the aqua drops,
dancing on a backdrop of
emerald galaxies.
The music and magic
that is your voice
lilts in my ears--
you're an invisible constant.
An echo of emotion,
a lullaby of loneliness.
Empty memories of your touch,
flutter at my shining lashes,
turning my tears to honey,
my cheeks to lilies,
my eyes to starlight.
I miss you,
I Love You.

Guess who

got in to Interlochen?

You look at me

like every word that floats--
a wispy, lavender cloud--
from my mouth is dripping
with ice and gold.
Like you can see the insanity
in the colors and songs that fill my head
with chaos that even I can't make sense of.
You look at me like that chaos--
that whirling, aimless chaos--
is the most beautiful thing you have ever
imagined.
You look at me like every thought I think,
every song I hum,
every look I give,
is perfection,
sparkling like lost sunlight among thousands
of ice diamonds.
You look at me
like my name is Love.

loveLovelove

click on it. it's better when you click on it.

When I see the worlds of wonder,

huge and spinning in the
blue-green brilliance of you eyes,
I want to fly through candy clouds
on wings of disbelief.
Fly until the universes of
infinite light
are so small I can
hold them in my palm,
a puddle of beauty,
luminescent and whirling,
glowing liquid pearl.
I'll fly those universes back
and place them before you,
watch you listen and see and gasp
at the crystalline complexity.
I'll watch you as
your eyes lose focus
and your smile blinds me.
I'll watch,
the tears shining on my face--
an echo of yours--
as you fall in Love with everything.

You're made of mirrors.

Reflecting the light

that shines through my lips,

and the diamond pools melted

in my eyes.

Reflecting the beauty that I

can't understand,

the cruelty that I

can't forget.

You are a mirror of

hope and anger,

a mirror of jagged edges,

a mirror of butterfly wings.

You are a mirror

of bizarre perfection,

broken song and broken smiles,

reflecting the unscathed insanity and

cracked clarity.

You are a mirror of suffering and bliss,

a mirror of music,

reflection of ecstacy.

Elegant and obvious,

full of incredible emptiness.

You are a mirror of lemon sun,

crystal tears,

desperate laughter.

Glorious misinterpretations.

You are the immensity of Love,

you are the hatred of hate.

We are made of mirrors,

seeing me,

showing you.

Uniform amongst infinite reflections.

When I was cracked and breaking, I though of what you would do if you saw me like that.

I thought of the sunlight palaces you would build with your words, so I could hide behind the shining walls and be warm and royal. I thought of the lilac tears you would cry, I felt them kissing my forehead like rubies. I thought of your whispered reassurances, holding me like ancient gossamer, a web of broken love and perfect lies. I thought of how you would rest my head on your shoulder, how we would sway and float like gravity didn't exist for us--rising through sky-blue smoke and wisps of lost, electric song. I thought of how you would kiss my eyelids closed, moonlight moths against my salty skin. I thought of how you would take me to a place where the grass was sweet and pale, and you could smell the seasons as they mingled with the light filtering throught the ceiling of leaves. I thought of golden palm fronds skimming my skin and I thought of never being afraid. I thought of holding your hand tight in mine and flying above the clouds, gazing at the cities exploding with light and passion, and the fields and forests laced with sleep and lazy romance. I thought of sprinting along the sea with you, laughing in the frothing waves. I thought of hot sand and cold snow, I thought of the brilliance and beauty in being alive. I thought of how you'd remind me with every look you'd give and every word you'd speak of the miracle of Loving without being In Love, the miracle of words and light and living. I though of music and I thought of tears, and I thought of how you and I are infinity. I thought of how you're my light in my tunnel of heartbreak, how you'd take my chin in your hand and turn my face toward beauty. I thought of the invisible aurora of love and pain that dances in your eyes. I thought of the ecstacy in loving you and not caring if you loved me back. The miracle of Loving without being In Love. I thought of words, of light, of music. I thought of the brilliance in living.

You are a light explosion

beyond the starry horizon,

violet and violent,

illuminating the translucency

of so many empty words.

Reflected in the swimming eyes

of who we all

used to be.

Spin me around

under the night-time skies,

until the world twirls

and blends,

becoming the brightest black.

A bouquet of madness,

a collection of color.

Stay with me,

stay with me,

at least until the morning.

The scarlet sunrise settling

into the hollows of your cheeks,

the fading comets,

tracing fire trails

through your lonely eyes.

Take me by the hand

and dance with me

along paths of silver.

Sublime sparkling souls.

Light explosions,

beyond the starry horizon.

I'll find you by the light

of these midnight-cities,

by following the flurry of sweet song

that you leave in your wake.

Your voice will murmur in my sleep,

so that i may find you

and hide, once again,

behind the waterfalls of change that

pound in your head.

I'll be your dusty sunlight,

i'll be your Ice Queen,

i'll be your Love Revolution.

I'll find you.

Your diamond glitter words

floating on the winds of

sweet, unspoken melodies--

hummed by my heart

and sung by someone

who pretends to care.

The words that light the clouds from

beneath them,

the words that turn

into copper and glass

before they ever

reach your lips.

The words that float over me

like sugar.

Spin me your sugar-sun words,

sing them softly in my ear,

your ice lips against

my burning skin.

Whisper your ocean wave words

so they crash into

my echoing mind,

bouncing between

the icicles of

repeated forevers.

your eyes used to be

silver water,

cold glass,

blinding light,

and now they are nothing

but smoke smothered stars. 

frosty explosion

of empty blue light,

invisible razors

cutting into

our Love Revolution

that used to light the clouds

gold and crimson,

peach and copper,

rose and starlight-white...

i want to cover your fingers with

red rose rings,

and i want to sprinkle silver shine

over your closed eyes.

i'll coat your mind in vibrant sleep,

and fill your soul with all the love

you've ever deserved.

i want you to believe the pretty words

that i sing to myself

when i miss you.

i'll be your

Love Revolution.

the Me that is

ice and gold,

love and music,

petals and spun sugar,

exists only

in your eyes.

that fragil web

of your copper love

is too perfect to be

trembling at my lips,

gone

if i dare to exhale,

invisible in moonshine-white

Forever.

i will cling to your 

frost-laced voice,

your stormcloud memory.

i will cling to the

cold flame,

love melody,

sweet flowers...

i will drown in who i was

with you.

206 450 4343

i live in fear of talking on the phone.

but anyone who's reading this can text me whenever.

your smile is made

of sunlight and peach,

and your eyes are a

cobalt christmas,

loose love like cold satin

beneath your lashes.

i want you to grab my hand

like you grab that pen,

with sweetness and

crystal intensity.

wade in granite fountains

with me

and pennies that sparkle

in the moonlight.

turn the starry city night water

into liquid diamond love.

into liquid diamond love with

the way your eyes hold mine.

i don't want to get out

of this icy-skies fairy tale.

the static sound that pushed

and pushed me

until i drowned in the white pools

of noise.

i couldn't lift

my eyes after blinking

because my eyelids were so heavy

with tears that kissed

my cheeks for you.

gumdrop gauze,

hot light diamonds,

blue ice love eyes...

i want it back.

you back.

i want to live

on the Island of the Honest Man

I can smell the starlight,

and the rain beads in my hair

as the hot light falls.

your ice-love melts

in my throat,

and it tastes like rose

and peach

and salty caramelle tears.

the snowflakes floated

from my frost-bitten lashes,

and i was blinded by the white cold.

the pink clouds chased me by the light

of my lemon tights

and my storm cloud sneakers

that i kicked towards

the blood-orange sunset.

the shimmering origami love

folded between us

and time was caught

and stopped

by the pink gossamer corners,

and then there was only 

your amber-jade eyes.

i lost myself

an infinite number

of forevers ago.

you found me,

pretending to be someone

like you,

and you found me.

you taught me how

to spin pain

and love

and beauty

into words,

because i could.

but when you let me go,

i wasn't lost again.

i was gone,

because the idea of you

was all i had become.

pandora.com

is the love of my life
the love of my life FOREVER
there's a bunch of music not in their database-type-thing though, which sucks, so all the stuff you say you like has to be at least semi-mainstream, but whatever...
it's still my passion and joy and beyondddd

i'm always waiting

for my break-down
for my freak-out
for my shut-off.
one day
one thing
will push me
just
hard
enough,
and something will happen.
the cork will fly off,
and fizz will fill
everyone's eyes,
and i will be all
they can see.

awake, panting

salty and damp,
dreaming of plane crashes
and word bombs of hate.
missing what
was once resented.
guilt isn't the new black.
but the old black's back,
and with a vengeance.
the hardest thing to admit
is how empty
those 'i love you's were.
the hardest thing to want
is to fill them with a fire
that has long since
iced over.

Yes We Can.

For the first time, I believe in America.

nothing hurt more

than the way your
lips twitched down
when i said
I Love You.
i had expected a light
to appear, in your eyes.
i had expected you
to kiss me on that
dirty sidewalk,
next to the baseball diamond,
to kiss me
with your rain-soaked mouth.
i knew that salt
would drown my cheeks
and burn my skin,
but i wanted rose flames,
not hot acid.
i felt not petals
but needles
when you reached out
to touch my face.
i bit my lip and waited to numb
as you raised your left hand
and took all of me with you,
into a smoky blur of yellow.

it's as if

you bathe
in sparkles.
i can feel your
breath on my cheek,
while Seattle whispers
in my ear,
and rivers of ink
wash me through
the steel clouds.
i was blinded by
the city lights,
and i ran through fountains
thinking of you.
am i allowed
to miss you?

how do i feel

that even when you disappoint me most, you're still giving me more than i deserve?

i still remember how in awe i was of love when i first stopped taking it for granted.



And this. this makes me laugh:

this might require an explanation

as to why im so proud of this poem, despite not actually liking it that much. well, i like it. i just... well, okay. i like it. and i am very proud of it. but my friend read it, and she laughed, which of course convinced me that it's crap. but i remain very impressed with myself because it rhymes!! this is the veryvery first poem i've ever written that actually rhymes nicely, and i was quite excited (ahaha). so. i hope you like it?

smell of summer starshine,
whirling back in time.
rolling in the golden leaves,
remember when the skies were mine?

hidden behind tree trunks,
fizzing on your tongue,
drunk on midnight laughter,
praying to the blackened sun.

cover hearts in grass stains,
excited souls will yell,
forcing themselves to ecstacy,
desperation's like a spell.

so obvious you're faking it,
the pain is in your head.
you want it more than anything,
but you can't revive the dead.

i'm sorry for the changes
cruel universes make.
i wish this would flip forward.
not everyone loves the chase.

I can barely hear

her throat catch,
significant it isn't
compared with
the door slam.
unimportant it isn't
compared with
the conversation.

devil's birthday.
it's just that:
a mask of sweet screams,
a mask of sticky anticipation,
a mask.

i wish i didnt have to cling
to this.
sticky clarity,
murky ice.

i want to drink the light
that sparkles off of
broken glass.
i want to see the heat
that melts so many
uncut diamonds.
i want to forget the frost that freezes
so many untouched hearts.

i can see the world from here,
the perfection marred only by the stirring
inside me.
i want to sail through the air,
and feel tears sting my eyes.
my teeth crave the pain
of cold,
the pain of freedom.

Guess who just applied,

for Interlochen Center for the Arts, Creative Writing Division?
I did.
ohyes.
it's in northern Michigan, which is not that far away, but far enough that my parents are slightly concerned about sending their Seattle teenager with questionable judgement there for three weeks.
but the application is in.
and if i'm accepted... then...
i'll be accepted.
wish me luck, i'm fairly certain i need it...

i would reallyreally like a Holga. camera. they're incredible. giant plastic things that take the most stunning pictures... i think it's essential to my survival that i get one. soon. they're not ludicrously expensive or anything, so it's more of a 'when' than an 'if'.
and why do i want one? this is why:

A dull, tingling pain,

working it's way up.
small, out of place twinge,
unpleasant enough
to be uncomfortable,
though not enough to fix.

healing pain with sorrow
and sorrow with pain
replacing pills with blood
and blood with pills.

i just want to hug you
but really, that's just
an excuse to have you
hug me.

i can smell
your heartbeat
i can feel
what you think.
all i want
is for you to know me this way,
too.

i don't want to say
those three words,
because i don't want
to scare you far away.

but those words don't mean
what i'm afraid
that you're afraid
to think they mean.

believe me.

Mirrors,

tasting of an ice green winter,
sharp teeth
dripping
with remnants of reputations
i miss
my summer reflection.
black lipstick marks
on cobweb lace
beauty twisted into things
that never were
and always are
shells are twirling
and screaming
they are hurting
they are pretending
and
they are loving every minute of it.
settling back into the warm waters
of unquestioned forevers
away from Him
the Hims that are of
song
words
and hard.rough.sweat
misunderstanding references:
one thing
using them:
another
but someone might
do the same
the right way, this time
stepping on the toes
of hand-me-down dresses.
i can be worth it
even when re-tellings
are tear-stained
and hidden under mattresses.

in the D, D music video,

PS is so attractive it hurts :P
:D i love him with a passion

IN OTHER NEWS: last night, my friends threw me a ~~Surprise Birthday Bash, and it was amazing and i love them :)

and i got sooo many iTunes gift cards and CDs and in the past 20 minutes 106 items have been added to my iTunes library :/ and much more to come. i'm not so sure this is healthy. AND i bought nine books the other day, hardcover and everything, and it was like $100-something. annnnd i got eyeshadow and this magic wand that makes noise from Calendar Club, because really, who could resist a noise making wand from Calendar Club? i bet you couldn't. and the cashier was my passion and joy because his voice was all like ~drawly and very slightly slurred, and his eyes were kind of far away and he kept making really lame jokes, so i'm not so sure he wasnt a little bit Under The Influence (dun dun dunnn... ahaha i make myself laugh). but really, it was hilarious because he kept flirting with me and i was like 'helloooo, i am like ten years younger than you, and i'm just trying to buy my magic wand here, okayyy? :(". and i went to ZUMIEZ and bought a t-shirt which i love. and then i came home to streamers and a lot of my friends being like "SURPRISE!!!" and we danced and ate and played XBOX and took a ridiculous amount of pictures :D

annnnd i looked prettier than normal yesterday :)

life is gooooooooooooood

i love you!

in the debate last night,

Senator McCain was more than a little disrespectful. what with all the scoffs, interruptions, and eye-rolls, he seemed like more of an adolescent being lectured than a presidential candidate. Barack Obama was nothing but respectful during McCain's responses, nodding calmly. he did smile and chuckle, but that was about as rude as he got. I definitely think that Obama is right to respect McCain. I am insanely grateful to and amazed by John McCain, what with him being a war hero, and i think a good person, in general. But i don't think that means he would be a better president, and i don't think that puts him in any way above Senator Obama as a human being. I mean really, the rudeness McCain displayed was unnecessary and showed more desperation than anything else. so.

the news is depressing. i mean honestly, an act of cruelty, no matter how small, gets mentioned in the morning, for everyone to hear, dampening peoples' faith in humanity just a little bit more. but kindness has to be in some enormously noticeable form to be mentioned, which is unfair. :( :( :( if i'm ever a news-caster, i won't be like that. i'll inform people of the negative things they need to know, of course, but i'll also say NICE things. SIMPLE, NICE, HAPPY, POSITIVE THINGS. that brighten peoples' days.

i'm wearing orange nail polish right now, and i'm loving watching my fingers type, because they just flash color with ever key they tap. excellentttttt...

i love you!

it's my BIRTHDAYYY

GAH best day ever!
love you, whoever's reading this!

a 'real post' is coming sooooon, but i have FOURTEEN CANDY BARS TO EAT (ahaha my friends over-did things...)

When you die

do you want it to be like a lightbulb burning out?
or like a light bulb fucking EXPLODING, throwing light and sound and clear sharp glass everywhere, making people notice, and have your death be one of the most thrilling moments of your life?

i think i'd take either one, as long as death doesn't come anytime soon.

and as long as the lightbulb doesn't just, you know, break

My birthdayyyy

is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!

It's fall it's fall!

my favorite season

hello beautiful :)

i guess i'm kind of in a good mood, ish.

well, i'm so used to being so happy all the time, and the last few days (weeks :(...) it's been so stressful and yucky

and i guess i'm still like learning how to be myself again, which, to be honest, SUCKS.

but here i am, listening to So Much Love by The Rocket Summer

listen to that song for me, okay? it's amazing. everything about it.

sooooo my birthday's in FOUR DAYS! lalalalala

okay. so. there is a girl who i ~~~~~will not name. and she is constantly wanting to prove that she is different. all "ZOMG IM CRAZY, ZOMG IM SO UNIQUE, ZOMG IM GOING TO DO SOMETHING WEIRD RIGHT NOW JUST TO PROVE THAT IM LESS NORMAL THAN YOU"

it's like, i get it, okay? i know that she's special. i love her more than anything, and i wish she would just be herself, instead of trying too hard to prove that she IS herself. this has only been happening over the last few days, and i just can't admit to myself that i might want a break. it's just, when she's "proving herself" like that, it tempts me to out-do her, you know? i just can't work with it. and she doesn't really get me anymore. well, she does. she knows where im coming from, she always will. but it seems like she wants to prove that she's better than me, that she's oh-so superior, and she's not. i'm not better than her in any way, and i'm not saying that i'm not WORSE than her, actually. i just don't think she should assume that. i mean, she's the person that has never failed to boost my self esteem, to make me happy. and now she's crumbling. something's going on with her, but how can i FIX THIS? i mean, i can't say all this stuff to her face. i can, i mean, but she would blow it off, or offer an explanation that is heartbraking, that i can't disagree with, but just proves more how ~~~~amazing and unique and different she is. but really, she needs to get fucking over herself. not that i would ever say that. or think that. but, um, i did. and she needs to GET FUCKING OVER HERSELF, is the thing. she NEEDS to. because she's not the person i need and love and so on.

:(

go obama

Do you ever feel that people are saying something so, so important to them,

and they are so, so important to you, and you just want to get it. You just want to be there and cry with them and laugh with them and say the right thing and get the right response. I used to be silent. Just sit and listen. Which worked. But I don't know. If something was sad, i wanted it happy. If something was happy, i wanted it happier. And you can't do that by listening. You can accept things by listening, but i'm not sure if you can suppy much more comfort than that, in silence. Of course, acceptance is all i ever crave, so that silence just might be enough. But I care too much, so more often than not, recently, i've been throwing myself over this gaping hole of doubt and nervousness and just saying what i think might be the right thing, and sometimes it is. and those times are the single most rewarding, happiest, most purely brilliant times. But sometimes, i say the completely wrong thing. the thing that nobody wants to hear, that makes all their fears and negativities validated, that makes their lives lose just a little more meaning.

maybe i'm being too self-centered. maybe nothing i say to anyone can have that kind of profound impact. maybe i should just stick with silence and shoulder pats and desperate, strangled sounding murmurs of "understanding", when i don't really understand.

maybe i'm just want this so bad, this being there for whoever, understanding and encouraging whoever, maybe i just want it so bad so when i'm the 'whoever', someone says the right thing to me. maybe that's too much to hope for?

"i love you"

is SUCH a pretty phrase

you can NEVER say it enough, guys :)

compliment someone tomorrow, okay?
do it.
for me?

"my worst fear....

...is of losing people. Namely, you." How many people could I truthfully say that to? A lot. probably too many. I love too hard. Too fast. To quickly. I am a disaster waiting to happen... if someone wanted to, they could hurt me so easily. I'm so vulnerable. I'm not immune to pain, not at all, but I'm not scared of it. I'll be okay.

Am I important? To anybody? Yes. "Yes" is what I tell myself. It is truly unnerving how badly i want to be right.

One person--one special person--seems to come along every generation. A person that truly speaks for the people. I want to be that person. Does that make me noble? Or simply power-hungry?

Mostly, I don't believe in God. I don't. But sometimes I wish I did. I mean, I'm all alone. But I'm not, am I? I have mankind. I have the world. We, as people, as a world, underestimate ourselves. We are blamers, talkers. That is our fatal flaw. I want someone bigger and better than me. someone to protect me. Instead, I have a chance to prove that I am brave.

I'm fairly certain that the thoughts, doubts, uncertainties I have aren't special. But I voice them, and that makes me special. How is that fair? Oh well. I want that specialness. I just go on thinking I'm brilliant, when in a way, I'm just reckless.

i'm kind of in love with this EP:

it's not the best music i've ever listened to, but it's so catchy and i lurrrrrve it. my favorite song is Dr. Huxtable.

Anyway, the EP is 1.21 Gigawatts-EP by Mercy Mercedes

WOOTWOOT for random music suggestions!!

and, just because this is a post about nothing in particular, i'll just break the loverly news that i got a MAGNIFICENT NEW PHONE. oh, happy days!! It's the LG Dare from Verizon, and yes, I am pretty much in luff with it. it looks like the one in the picture below, but it has a veryvery light, clearish-rose-pink silicone case to I don't damage it. my father made me get the case because, um, my old phone was not in tip top shape. twas cracked and scratched and just... um. well.

It's been a while,

as i've been at camp the past week.

i missed you guys, i missed blogging. getting my thoughts out has become really, really important to me. Sometimes, I feel like I should be twisting these blog entries, twisting these thoughts. Adding random, fictional details, change my name, at some drama. In short, sometimes I feel like I should be writing a book. A real, live, fictional, legitimate novel-story-type-thing. I feel like I can hardly call myself a writer if I just talk about myself all the time, you know? I need to see if the fiction I write can be this real. If my characters can feel things as strongly as I do. But, like always, I put off writing fiction. I write this instead. I feel like I'm letting myself down, but I also feel like I'm building myself up. Like I'm making myself into more. Most of the stuff I write on here about myself I didn't even know was true until it was on the screen. So that's good.

I am not afraid of heights. I'm not. I like them, love them, think they're perfection. They make me feel alive. I'm such an adrenaleine junkie. Anything that makes my stomach drop I HAVE TO DO. With the exception of falling. I don't like to fall. But other that that, I crave anything thrilling. At camp, there is a swing. It's sixty feet in the air and it's incredible. You swing down and the wind is so loud and you're grinning and screaming and so alive feeling. And afterwards, It's like your problems are gone. Like you've figured out what to do with them while you were up there, flying. I want to feel like that 24/7!

Yawwwn...

I'm really tired, at the moment. But of course I won't let myself sleep, because I feel like I should jam more into this day. Also, I'm kind of subconsiously (well, I guess it's not subconsiously anymore, because I'm actively thinking about it, but whateverrrr...) holding out for longer and longer just so when I finally get into bed it'll be that much better :) I'm excited. I kind of like being sleepy. It's all... comfy-feeling. You know? No? Well. Maybe it's just me =\

So. I love people. Just in general. I think that humans are hard-wired to want to be liked. Or, even more, loved. Or at least appreciated. Or, you know, tolerated. Being hated... I don't know. People act like they don't care. But you can't not care. So I think that all I do is love people a lot and hope they love me back. I don't think it's a choice, the last part. But I think that I do choose to love people as much as I want to be loved. And yes, sometimes I do get hurt because of that. But it's worth it.

So as much as I love people, some of them... just... hmmm. How to put this, how to put this? If I'm meeting someone new, I love them immediately if they love me immediately. It's just like, "Callie, meet Maddie. Maddie, Callie," and if we both smile and have something in common and we both are open-type people who aren't painfully shy or super-guarded, it's like bada-bang, bada-boom, let's be best friends. But sometimes I love it when there's a challenge when I meet someone. I don't like it if they immediately judge me and decide to hate me. No, I don't like that at all. But I like to have to work at it. To have to prove myself to people. To have them be honest, and see that I have flaws, and show their own. That way, when they observe and know my flaws, and put up with me anyway, it's just that much more real. Of course all of this accepting-each-others'-flaws will happen with any friendship, in time. But I just appreciate it when it's immediate.

I want to be a writer. Writing is my passion (oh, how I hate to use that word seriously), some people say I'm good at it, it's just what I want to do with my life. But sometimes, I want to perform. Just be in front of a huge, huge crowd, and pour my heart out on stage. Not in a mushy way. Not like read a raw, amazing love poem that bears my soul, and the soul of all mankind. That, of course, would make my life worthwhile. But that is not what I'm talking about. I just want to put so much energy and me onto that stage that there isn't anything left. I want to be sweaty and out of breath and grinning and have people cheering afterwards. And writing doesn't have that effect. Writing makes people think. It makes people feel. It's not as spontaneous as other things. As music. And that's why sometimes I'll catch myself wanting to dance. To sing. To play the drums or the guitar. To have people look at me. To be famous and bold and just me. I want to be me as loud and as proud as possible.

I copied && pasted this from Aren's loverly blog

So the quiz is in fact from there. However, all the answers are mine. I just feel like you guys don't know some basic, random facts about me, so here you go :)

ABOUT YOU:

001. real name → Calista
002. nickname → Callie, Shvitz (DO NOT ASK lol), Cal, Cali-Girl (DO NOT ASK again xD), and... umm... idkkkk
003. single or taken → single.
004. zodiac sign → libra
005. male or female → female.
006. elementary → not tellinggg
007. middle → sorry, no luck
008. highschool → -hides head- i am actually still in middle school, so
010. long or short → short
011. are you a health freak → i wish
012. height → like 5' 5" or 5' 6"
013. do you have a crush on someone → kind of
014. do you like yourself → yeah. i'm not in lurrrrve with myself, but yes, my self-esteem is high enough
015 piercings → i haven't worn earrings in EVER, but i've had my ears pierced
016. tattoos → nuh uh
017. righty or lefty → righty.

FIRSTS:

018. first surgery → haven't had one! except dental surgery counts, in which case idk
019. first piercing → ears.
020. first best friend → Lark
021. first award → no clue
022. first sport you joined → ballet
023. first pet → fish or dog. i dont remember
024. first vacation → hawaii when i was a LITTLELITTLE girl
025. first concert → Shania Twain :P i was 6 or 7
026. first crush → Hmmmnnn... too embarrassing to disclose

CURRENTLY:

027. eating → nothing
028. drinking → nothing
029. i'm about to → annoy the hell out of Spencer or Zac :D
030. listening to → cooking noises! yumyum
031. wearing → bermudas and layered camis
032. mood → kinda tired, but i'm really happy, and, like, satisfied. good :)

YOUR FUTURE:

033. want kids → maybe.
034. want to get married → probably.
035. careers in mind? → writer, anesthesiologist, designer...
036. see yourself in 4 years → getting ready for senior year :D
037. college → U of Iowa, UDUB, Oxford, UPS, NYU, idkkkk

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?:

038. lips or eyes → eyes
039. hugs or kisses → hugs :) well, it depends
040. shorter or taller → taller. but i've liked shorter guys.
041. romantic or spontaneous → spontaneous. but romance is never a bad thangg :P
042. nice stomach or nice arms → stomach, because a gross stomach is just EWW
043. sensitive or loud → loud :) I'm loud, and i don't wanna overwhelm them or anything, you know?
044. hook-up or relationship → relationship, probably
045. trouble maker or hesitant → trouble maker, but not to the point where he doesn't graduate high school because he's in prison. I just want a guy who's sarcastic to a teacher and isn't afraid to break the rules a li'l bit

HAVE YOU EVER:

046. kissed a stranger → i wishhhh... how amazingly movie-moment-like would THAT be??
047. drank bubbles → ...whaaa?
048. lost glasses/contacts → yesss, many times
049. ran away from home → considered it, but no :) my family's okayy
050. broken any bones → just a few toes lol, nothing major
051. broken someone's heart → yeah. i think it sucked almost as much for me as it did them.
051. been arrested → nuh uh. i'm too much on the straight and narrow for that shit :P lol
052. turned someone down → hmmm... well... idk if it counted.
053. cried when someone died → ...no. i don't think. i was SAD, of course. but i'm not much of a crier.
054 liked a friend → yeahhhh
055. drank egg nog → nopers
056. gone to therapy → nuh uh
057. played spin the bottle → nope. idk. it seems kinda stupid and overrated and uncomfortable, so i've managed to bail out as of yet =\ i probably will play at one point in my life, cuz it's like a classic experience, y'know?
058. toilet papered someone's house → someone's car, yes. house? no.
059. liked someone but never told them → .....i think everyone i've liked has found out. i can't really be subtle--not that type of person. but i'm sure there's been SOMEONE who didn't know. hmm...
060. spied on someone → no
061. stolen anything → stickers when i was in kindergarten
062. gone camping → wiv meh daddy :D
063. had a crush on your sister's friend → i only have a younger brother =\
064. gone to a nude beach → no lol
065. gone streaking → i have in my underwear, but not bare-ass-naked, no. :P
066. had a stalker → OOHHHH DID MCKAY COUNT? lol, no, i haven't really.
067. gone skinny dipping → no
068. laughed so hard you cried → on occasion ;D
069. gone to a party → yeahyeah xD
070. been in love → i thought so at the time. and now i'm like EWWIE EW EW
071. felt betrayed by your best friend → not really....
072. lied to your parents → NEVER. ahahaha just kidding. it's possible i lie to them every day, but i don't keep a tally ;P
073. been out of the us → mmhhmmnn
074. thrown up from working out → erm, no. i don't work that hard lolll too lazay
075. gotten a haircut so bad that you wore hat → not THAT bad
076. 3 meals from 3 different fast food places → nuh uhhhh. never.
077. done anything hurtful to your classmate → who hasn't?
078. been cheated on by someone → no. well, idk. not that i've heard.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

079. yourself → mostly
080. miracles → they happen every day
081. love at first sight → i think it happens, yes
082. heaven → i don't know
083. santa clause → not anymore
084. angels → yes.
085. kissing on the first date → depends on the guy. for the most part: no.
086. sex before marriage → i'm not AGAINST it, but i don't BELIEVE in it, no. I actually don't think sex i that big of a deal. I'm nowhere near ready for it: i do believe in waiting until i'm at least a legal adult.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

087. is there one or more people you want to be with right now → yes. as in, romantically? or like here in this room??
088. had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time → no.
089. do you believe in god → hmmm... well, maybe.

FAVORITES:

090. smell → summer
091. sound → music
092. movie → In The Land Of Women
093. clothing item → skinny jeans, funky tees
094. clothing store → Nordstrom's, Anthropologie, JZ Rose, H&M, any and all boutiques

RANDOM:

095. still talk with the first person you dated → yeah. we're kind of close, in fact
096. are you obsessed with someone → not OBSESSED, but i am very fond of Pete Wentz. Welll... i'm maybe a li'l obsessed.
097. best thing about your job → don't have one
098. like more than one person right now → nope. not really.
099. any compliments today → i don't keep track. someone said i'm not a wimp, i'm a good rock climber, i have pretty eyes... :) idk
100. next vacation → IM IN IDAHO WITH 7 OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Heavennnnn
101. friends guys or girls → i think my friends are like 50% of each gender, but i don't really know
102. own any furniture from ikea → my bed, dest, nightstand.... i love IKEA xD
103. last book you rea → I'm re-reading a few, but the last book i read for the first time was... gah. a lot.
104. super power → FLYYYYY
105. lived most of your life → where i live now.
106. why is the sky blue → what's the meaning of fucking LIFE??? lol xD
107. last song you listened to → hrmmmm idk. You're Gonna Go Far, Kid by The Offspring, possibly, but you never know
108. if you could be anywhere right now where would it be → gah. i'm really happy right now, in fact. =) right here. but i'd want my BFF here wiv me. but these guys are super close to me too, so i'm good where i am
109. mood atm → hunnngry
110. plans for tomorrow → ice skating and hanging out and tomorrow's the SECOND TO LAST DAY HERE so just chilling and making the most of it :)
111. last time you slept for more then 12 hours → a few days ago, actually. i like to sleeeep



♥♥♥that's alllll xD ily guys

I feel like I can say a LOT to some people,

and I can't share as much information with others. Regardless of how well I know a person or how long I've known them. For instance: I tell you guys a lot. I just babble on and on about stuff I wouldn't say in real life. I rant. I express my life views. I post my snazzylicious pics that make my heart all happy and smiley. I JUST TELL YOU GUYS A LOT OF POINTLESS SHIT, AND THAT IS A FACT, AND YOU GUYS LISTEN AND RESPOND AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT. So I tell you a lotlotlot but how long have I known you? Not long. How many times have I seen you in person? Zero. (Except for you, Margot, who reads this even though you know me ^^) But one of my best friends, Lark, whom I've known since before kindergarten: can I share even half of these things with her. Maybe. But two thirds? Not a chance. Anyway. All of that little blurb of background info leads up to one thing: I have two friends at the same camp. For three weeks. They're both my reallyreally good friends. Well. One's my bestest buddy and one's a really good pal type thing. But anywaysss I wrote two pages to one of them in, like, ten minutes. Single spaced and small font and everything. And it was basically just a crappy run-on sentance that was super easy to write because I just had so much to say to her. And then I had to write my letter to the other pally :). And, um, in 15 minutes I got down 1/2 of a page. And it was difficult and stiff and pointless and bleh. and now I feel bad D:.

Holy shamalamaaaaaa--

Seven comments! I feel like a star :P

But seriously, guys, thank you so much for reading this shizzle :) You guys have no clue how much I care that you care ^^ I LOVE YOU GUYS

a real live post is coming soon, i promise :*

I've never been phenomenal at poetry.

I'm not tragically awful at it, that's true. But somehow, I can't just have beauty flow from my pen like that. Honestly, I've written a few good poems. Poems that I like. That others like. But it doesn't happen that often. I'm not complaining, I know that fiction's more my thing. But poetry is definitely an art. Less words, less clarity, yet the same--sometimes more--impact.

ANYWAY I read this poem. And it was written by Ann Michelle and it is amazing times a squillion. I thought it was about fireworks, though it's about a storm. That's the thing with poetry, it can apply to almost anything:

High Above
The thunder rolls off in the distanceas

as a cacophony of drumbeats,

The track playing in the opening act.

The sky is smoky,

Occasionally crackling in white-hot flares,

Energy scattering after combining and colliding,

Creating a show that will never be seen again.

The hesitant wind moves in,

Still hot in the throes of Summer,

And the droplets of rain finally come down

To join in as sprinkles on dessert.

!!!! isn't that fantastic????? I lovelovelove it and that is le fact.

I wish I was healthier :\

I mean, I'm skinny. I don't get sick very often. I'm not on a steady diet of cheeseburgers and Dr. Pepper. But I do wish I had the will power to eat the required amount of veggies. To drink those eight glasses of water a day. Brush my teeth after every single meal. Cut back on dessert. It's not because of body image issues, oh no. I don't think I'm disgustingly fat. This wouldn't be a diet. It would be a be healthier program type thing. Hmmmm, maybe I should. I'll try. But I feel like I won't know how hard it is until I start lol :D

Moving on to a completely unrelated topic: do you ever feel like you simply don't have the right thing to say? that what you feel is wrong, and you wouldn't dare put it into words? that what you should say is just out of reach? I feel like that all the time. People say they want to die. They say they're ugly. They say they'll never make it as a whatever-they-want-to-be. Basically, if anyone says anything negative about themselves, or about their lives, I feel so useless. Like nothing I say will be able to help. I know being silent would be so much worse than saying the wrong thing, so I often end up saying what I feel and being very very nervous that it's completely insensitive and naive and wrong. More often than not, it turns out fine. The person I was consoling, for lack of a better word, appreciates what I said. It makes them feel better. But really, I wish there was a manual that told you exactly the right words that would make everything better. The words to make everyone and everything okay.

You know those cheesy thoughts you can't help thinking,

about "how the world should be"? I bet you most, if not all, of those thoughts are embodied in this song:

The World as We Know It by The Morning Of:

So lets sing the executioner song

why cant we all just get along

inspite of all our differences?

it starts a laugh

a warm heartfelt embrace

now all we need is love

to make this something great (to make this something great)

everybody's just somebody watching the show

everybody feel your body losing control

lets let our hearts beat to our minds

lets let our minds speak to our souls

whoa

do you know we all pump the same red blood into our veins

and do you know that we all wish upon the same stars

for the same things

heart in heart

our hands they all fit

this is the world as we know it

lets stop the pointless fighting

and lets start living and loving

lets stop the all this fighting

and lets start living and loving

and if they cut out our tongues we'll still sing loud

we will be strong, we will be heard

simply cut off our tongues and we'll sing

louder than before

everybody's just somebody watching the show

everybody feel your body losing control

lets let our hearts beat to our minds

lets let our minds speak to our souls

whoa

do you know we all pump the same red blood into our veins

and do you know that we all wish upon the same stars for the same things

heart in heart

our hands they all fit

this is the world as we know it

everybody's just somebody watching the show

everybody feel your body losing control

lets let our hearts beat to our minds

lets let our minds speak to our souls

whoa whoa

whoa
do you know we all pump the same red blood into our veins

and do you know that we all wish upon the same stars for the same things

heart in heart

our hands they all fit

this is the world as we know it

this is the world as we know it

heart in heart

our hands they all fit

this is the world as we know it

isn't that just loverly? i'm such an idealist, so of course I think this song is so true and so perfect and so amazing :) I love it. and scattered through the song are all these clips or Martin Luther King Jr. speaking and... it's just so amazing.

So that's what I'm talking about in this post: idealism. I feel like if everyone in the world was an idealist, the world would be perfect. You know? If everyone just loved each other and respected the differences and got along, and laughed it off when something bad happened and knew how wonderful the world is and how luck we all are to be alive, then it would be so perfect because everyone would be happy! :D I know that sounds impossible, but really. It shouldn't be, should it?

I don't know. I just feel so lucky to have the mindset that I do: I truly and honestly am lucky to be alive and have all the things I do, and I know it. I smile all the time. I laugh. I don't really ever get sad. And yes, I'm opinionated and I voice my opinions, but I'm generally really easygoing and happy and positive. And I know that some people just naturally are not like that and... I don't know. I just wish they were. I just wish everyone was. So my goal from now on (well, I have a lot of Goals From Now On's lol. But this is one of them) is to truly and honestly go out of my way to make people happy.

Is it stupid that I feel like I can make a difference? :\

And I just want to thank anyone who's commented for commenting. It seriously makes my day every single day to know that some people out there care what I have to say. Seriously, you guys make my life better. Heee. I LOVE YOU GUYS. is that weird to say? no. it's true. If you're reading this, Callie truly and honestly loves you a lot ^_^

What's the difference between music and just sounds?

I think that those two words overlap a lot. For instance, there are somethings that mare most definitely audible, and therefore sounds, but to me, they just don't fit the word "music". A cow mooing, for example, or a cough. I suppose all music has to be a sound, or a series of sounds, technically. But somethings--a lot of things--I would just always refer to as music. Calling them sounds seem sacrilegious, in a way. Things like Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. I wouldn't dare to call that "sounds". Ever. Finally, there are the noises that are clearly both sounds and music: a bird chirping, a waterfall, wind chimes. You know what I mean. I think it's kind of like (pay attention here, because the thought of this confuses me, and I haven't even tried to put it into words yet :P) the square-rectangle concept. You know, how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares? I think the music-sound comparison is similar: all music is sounds, but not all sounds are music. A rectangle needs to have all equal sides to be classified as a square. I think a sound needs to make someone feel something to be classified as music. Does that make any sense at all?

On the subject of music, I really do need something new to listen to. Would you mind giving me the names and artists of some of your favorite songs? It would make me happyyyy :). Plzplzplz with fifty six cherries on top? :* <3

The pictures in this blog are random.

They have nothing, I repeat: nothing to do with the posts themselves, or anything else. The pictures all have one thing in common though: they are gorgeous, adorable, meaningful, artistic, random, fantastical little chunks of joy. I have over one hundred pictures in my My Pictures folder, and I cleaned it out two days ago. I removed probably another hundred, but the 250 or so that remained are all pictures that make me happier in one form or another. And those are the ones I post here. They're all really different, yes. I mean, what do I have on here so far? I still don't know what the picture will be for this post (I add in the pic after I'm done writing), but up until here there's a notebook page with "I ___ you" written all down it, a black and white picture where the shoes are rainbow colored, an adorable picture of two kittens who can't spell :D, a ferris wheel, New York City, two children, a cat sticking out its tongue, and "Seasonscape". These are all so different, but they're all so amazing in their own way, no? I can't describe the feeling I get so often, when I see a picture that makes me grin, and moves something inside me. It's like the idea flits through my head that I've felt that image before. And now I finally get to see it. It's like a gorgeous sense of deja vu. A lot of art makes me feel that way, to be honest. Photography, painting, writing, music, drawings, acting, collages, film, fireworks. Everything. I think that's why I want to be an artist so bad. Any type of artist would do. I'd be a dancer and singer and photographer and painter and writer and sketcher and actor and designer and director and firework engineer if I could. Writing, however, is the only area of the arts that I do well. Actually, I don't really know if I write well. But I think I do. And it's what I love. But art in general, all kinds, appeal to me in the way they have since I was little, since I can remember: I, you, we, all of us have the oppurtunity and ability to make the world anything we want. Isn't that an amazing concept? We can be heard in anyway we want. How fantastic is that?

I love easily.

For me, it's just a feeling that comes naturally. I realize that 'love' is a big word. I know that it encompasses a lot and that it's hard to understand. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. I have friends who can't get a handle on love. Because it's complex and mysterious, I think they're somehow afraid of it. And some of the people that can open up and love the people they need to love, they can't express it in words. They fear being taken "too seriously", or that someone won't return their feelings, or that the words "I love you" to a friend might be taken as something more than friendly. But honestly, it's so much easier and better to love than to hate, and loving someone or something or someplace is never a bad thing. I realize that some people can't accept, understand, or get their heads around it, but for me, I just do. I love people hard and fast and a lot, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

So, this week, from 1-4 every day, I've been in this creative writing class.

It's not like a hardcore workshop or anything. In fact, I'm the oldest one there. It doesn't really help mature my writing skills, but I do get to sit and write for three hours, so I like it. The class is held at a elementary-middle school, so the building's mostly empty in summer. There's a park right up the road. So today, as we filtered into the classroom and took our seats, the teacher told us the Game Plan. We sat and did exercises for a while, then walked to the park right up the road. There are two swings that me and the one guy in my class immediately ran for. He's much younger than me--going into fifth grade--and his name is Dylan. We both were like, "OMJIZZLES I LOVE TO SWING" and laughed, then, at the exact same time, said, "even though it makes me feel kind of sick." It was the first real conversation I've had with this little guy, and it was a good one. So then we got on the swings and kicked off the ground, and before long the chains on the swing were almost parallel to the ground. I would get so high that all you could see past my legs was the sky. I must have looked like such a little kid to all the other people in the park and walking by, with my bright purple pants and short hair, grinning and laughing and chatting with this 10 year old the whole time. And let me tell you, we were swinging hard. I don't think I've ever been on such an intense swing :D It was a little too warm out, but when you're hurtling through the sky like that it's the perfect temperature, and the sky was cloudless, and I was just having so much fun. By the time the swings were still again, we were both out of breath and our arms hurt and we had to get drinks of water. In the air, it was one of those moments where I consciously thought, I'm so, so lucky to be alive.

Complaining is a waste of time.

Don't do it. All it does is let you dwell on the imperfections of your life and make life a little bit harder for people who have to listen to you whine. Appreciate all the wonderful aspects of your life, because there will always be more good things than bad, and you always have the option to talk about the good. The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time, or so I've heard, so if you talk about things that make you happy you will BE happy. And if you talk about the parts of your life that suck, you're just making your life suck more.

And of COURSE it's okay to vent about the things that bug you, but it truly and honestly is NOT NECESSARY for everything that comes out of your mouth to be negative. People who say or believe otherwise are simply selfish. I know that everybody has all these gorgeous and brilliant and amazing things in their heads. Everyone does. But the difference between some people and others is that some people share these things with the world, and others just release negative thoughts into the atmosphere and keep the inspirational, loverly, fabulous things to themselves. Like I said, selfish.

And the effect your miscellaneous positive or negative statements can have on others in enormously profound. Whining and complaining about the little things that make your life harder makes others' lives that much more difficult. It makes people notice, and also be irritated by the things you are constantly whining about. Or, at the very least, your own constant laments will annoy them to bits. By letting yourself stay irritated and unhappy, you bring down those around you. In contrast, if you share and idea or event or SOMETHING that truly made you happy or excited, you will bring a little bit of joy into the lives of others, who will want to be near you and hear more of what you have to say, because listening to you talke makes their lives better. It will make you as well as others happy, and there is no limit on the amount of laughter, joy, and goodness in the world. By giving someone else happiness, you aren't giving them some of your own joy, but simply making more. And in my personal opinion, that is not only something to be happy about, but something to be very, very proud of.

You have no idea how hard it was to decide on a name for this blog.

I'm not in love with the title as it is, but i don't hate it either, which is good. I don't know. It bugs me that it's not a line from a song, or anything, it's just an idea off the top of my head. So of course i doubt it because i'm callie and that's what i do, doubt myself. Just kidding. I'm not just one big bundle of self-doubt, but I can't help it sometimes, you know :P

I'm sitting at film camp, "editing our movie". but we've already finished editing TWO movies, as opposed to the other group, that has just STARTED editing their first. They go slow because they are very dysfunctional. Afightfightfight then talk about feelings. 24/7. It's SUMMER CAMP, for God's sake. Why the drama?

To be honest, it bugs me when people say I cause drama. I haven't heard that here, because the other group is such a whinefest, but in real outside of camp life, i've had people say i always drag things out, try to get people fighting, get things roiled up. But the truth is, i hate that stuff. I don't dislike a single person, and I wouldn't want to. I just want everyone to get along, which I realize sounds cliche, but it IS what I think. Maddie vs. Taylor, Karl vs. Maddie, Holly vs. Chris. Lena and Sarah and I are the only people I know who avoid that shit at all costs, but somehow we are the ones who get caught up in it. I have no problem with being dramatic. That is one of my favorite qualities about myself, in fact. But I don't cause all this immature shit. And it kills me when people say i do :(

I love these lyrics....

I just think they're so encouraging and true. And if everyone believed what this song says, I truly believe that this world would be a better place. I'm writing the lyrics in paragraph form, but that's not how the song is sung :D

You're Making It Come Alive by My Favorite Highway:

I've finally come to realize that we are all the same. If there's nothing left to lose, then there's everything to gain. All the paragraphs and pages you could write could not contain, it is curious and careless and it's flowing through my veins. The fear of growing old, and doing what you're told. You can't disguise a heart while it's breaking, yeah, you hide behind the smile you're faking. It's all about the chance you're taking, oh, and you know that you're making it all come alive, it all come alive. If your life is so damn comfortable, then why do you complain? A reflection in the alcohol you're pouring down the drain. Just because you paint a picture doesn't mean it fits the frame. This is my west coast intervention, and I'm getting on that plane. When all of your mistakes are keeping you awake, you can't disguise a heart while it's breaking, yeah, you hide behing the smile you're faking. It's all about the chance you're taking, oh, and you know that you're making... you can't disguise a heart while it's breaking, yeah, you hide behing the smile you're faking. It's all about the chance you're taking, oh, and you know that you're making it all come alive, it all come alive. The sun is setting and it's ending 'cause you're letting it go, forgetting everything you already know. And it all goes to show that you're moving too slow, it'll end up changing you. It'll end up changing you. You can't disguise a heart while it's breaking, yeah, you hide behind the smile you're faking. It's all about the chance you're taking, oh, and you know that you're making... life flies by so you have to embrace it, yeah. Forget the past, 'cause you cannot erase it. And live the dream, and learn to chase it, and when you get off just taste it: it's all come alive, it's all come alive, it's all come alive, it's come alive. The sun is setting and it's ending 'cause you're letting it go. It's all come alive.

Isn't that amazing? I'm actually tempted to take credit for it ;D

So, yeah, that song is basically my new life philosophy

The Meaning of Life

I know, right? I'm cutting right to the chase lol. But really. I was thinking today about what I thought the meaning of life is. And I honestly think that the meaning of life is to LIVE. Not to exist. To LIVE. and i know that sounds as cheesy as some Deluxe Fairground Nachos, but i think it's also true. We weren't put on this planet to sit and pout. People who spend their lives sitting and pouting and being negative are in some ways a waste of space. And don't think i'm saying that they don't do the world any good and they should just off themselves and do us all a favor. No. That is the opposite of what I'm saying. Those people need to learn how to be themselves, and make themselves happy. Because simply by doing that, they'll make others' lives a little bit better. So stop. And just appreciate everything and live in the moment. Be happy, or at least try really hard.

ahahahahaha! i have a quote of the day. I don't know how funny it really is, but i laughed soooo hard

It's from Gilmore Girls:

"I am a serious audiophile. And that comes with responsibilities that a grounding doesn't offer."

Alright, so, it's not THAT funny. but it was the way she said it, and the situation. I don't know.

and i would like to take this opportunity to tell all homophobes to fuck themselves.

moving on. I reallyreally like being home alone. i'm home alone right now, in fact. i can do WHATEVER I WANT. i don't know what i do that i wouldn't do if my parents were here, but i just feel a lot more comfortable on my own, you know?

i'll probably make a new post in like ten minutes, because i'm addicted to this blog, and that is le fact.

but until then, ily a lot!

^.-*Callie

the image in this post is by Rarindra Prakarsa. Rarindra is my favorite photographer, or one of them :) her work blows me away. Here's a link to her gallery: http://photo.net/photodb/member-photos?user_id=2231437

Sometimes, I want to abandon any desire I have to write fiction,

and just write lyrics. Because, while only the rare book ever makes me stop and think and change my view on life, lyrics to that on a daily basis. I'm sure this is only because of the writer's talent, but it might be because of my own self-centered-ness, but whenever I listen to a song, I feel like it's written for me. I can match every word to someone's personality, or a specific thing happening in my life. I want to write lyrics like that, for other people, you know? But I think lyrics are harder to write than fiction. Shorter, yes. And there's probably less of an editing process. But, I don't know... something about my favorite lyrics scream "YOU COULD NEVER WRITE THIS". And I'm okay with that. I love writing my fiction, anyway.

mmkay. IN OTHER NEWS, last night I had what appeared to be an Incredibly Deep Thought. Though it probably wasn't. I'm sharing it with you anyway:

So I was playing Truth or Dare via text. It sounds lame, I know, but me and my friends do it obsessively. So my question was "If you were dying right now, what would you want your last words to me to be?" And my answer was, "I love you, and don't cry at my funeral." I considered saying "and you'd better cry at my funeral," but I stopped. And I thought If I'm going to die, the last thing I want to leave in this world is sadness. Touching, no? I feel like I made a breakthrough of some sort :P But it's true, too, that I don't want to leave any sadness behind. I want my funeral to be a fucking party, you know? Not like "YESSSSSSSSSS SHE'S GONE!" but like "WHY THE HELL WOULD WE SPEND THIS CRYING? AT LEAST WE HAD HER IN OUR LIVES!" you know?

So, if you're reading this, and are planning to come to my funeral in many years' time, just remember that whenever you feel like crying, laugh instead. :D