how do i feel

that even when you disappoint me most, you're still giving me more than i deserve?

i still remember how in awe i was of love when i first stopped taking it for granted.



And this. this makes me laugh:

this might require an explanation

as to why im so proud of this poem, despite not actually liking it that much. well, i like it. i just... well, okay. i like it. and i am very proud of it. but my friend read it, and she laughed, which of course convinced me that it's crap. but i remain very impressed with myself because it rhymes!! this is the veryvery first poem i've ever written that actually rhymes nicely, and i was quite excited (ahaha). so. i hope you like it?

smell of summer starshine,
whirling back in time.
rolling in the golden leaves,
remember when the skies were mine?

hidden behind tree trunks,
fizzing on your tongue,
drunk on midnight laughter,
praying to the blackened sun.

cover hearts in grass stains,
excited souls will yell,
forcing themselves to ecstacy,
desperation's like a spell.

so obvious you're faking it,
the pain is in your head.
you want it more than anything,
but you can't revive the dead.

i'm sorry for the changes
cruel universes make.
i wish this would flip forward.
not everyone loves the chase.

I can barely hear

her throat catch,
significant it isn't
compared with
the door slam.
unimportant it isn't
compared with
the conversation.

devil's birthday.
it's just that:
a mask of sweet screams,
a mask of sticky anticipation,
a mask.

i wish i didnt have to cling
to this.
sticky clarity,
murky ice.

i want to drink the light
that sparkles off of
broken glass.
i want to see the heat
that melts so many
uncut diamonds.
i want to forget the frost that freezes
so many untouched hearts.

i can see the world from here,
the perfection marred only by the stirring
inside me.
i want to sail through the air,
and feel tears sting my eyes.
my teeth crave the pain
of cold,
the pain of freedom.

Guess who just applied,

for Interlochen Center for the Arts, Creative Writing Division?
I did.
ohyes.
it's in northern Michigan, which is not that far away, but far enough that my parents are slightly concerned about sending their Seattle teenager with questionable judgement there for three weeks.
but the application is in.
and if i'm accepted... then...
i'll be accepted.
wish me luck, i'm fairly certain i need it...

i would reallyreally like a Holga. camera. they're incredible. giant plastic things that take the most stunning pictures... i think it's essential to my survival that i get one. soon. they're not ludicrously expensive or anything, so it's more of a 'when' than an 'if'.
and why do i want one? this is why:

A dull, tingling pain,

working it's way up.
small, out of place twinge,
unpleasant enough
to be uncomfortable,
though not enough to fix.

healing pain with sorrow
and sorrow with pain
replacing pills with blood
and blood with pills.

i just want to hug you
but really, that's just
an excuse to have you
hug me.

i can smell
your heartbeat
i can feel
what you think.
all i want
is for you to know me this way,
too.

i don't want to say
those three words,
because i don't want
to scare you far away.

but those words don't mean
what i'm afraid
that you're afraid
to think they mean.

believe me.

Mirrors,

tasting of an ice green winter,
sharp teeth
dripping
with remnants of reputations
i miss
my summer reflection.
black lipstick marks
on cobweb lace
beauty twisted into things
that never were
and always are
shells are twirling
and screaming
they are hurting
they are pretending
and
they are loving every minute of it.
settling back into the warm waters
of unquestioned forevers
away from Him
the Hims that are of
song
words
and hard.rough.sweat
misunderstanding references:
one thing
using them:
another
but someone might
do the same
the right way, this time
stepping on the toes
of hand-me-down dresses.
i can be worth it
even when re-tellings
are tear-stained
and hidden under mattresses.

in the D, D music video,

PS is so attractive it hurts :P
:D i love him with a passion

IN OTHER NEWS: last night, my friends threw me a ~~Surprise Birthday Bash, and it was amazing and i love them :)

and i got sooo many iTunes gift cards and CDs and in the past 20 minutes 106 items have been added to my iTunes library :/ and much more to come. i'm not so sure this is healthy. AND i bought nine books the other day, hardcover and everything, and it was like $100-something. annnnd i got eyeshadow and this magic wand that makes noise from Calendar Club, because really, who could resist a noise making wand from Calendar Club? i bet you couldn't. and the cashier was my passion and joy because his voice was all like ~drawly and very slightly slurred, and his eyes were kind of far away and he kept making really lame jokes, so i'm not so sure he wasnt a little bit Under The Influence (dun dun dunnn... ahaha i make myself laugh). but really, it was hilarious because he kept flirting with me and i was like 'helloooo, i am like ten years younger than you, and i'm just trying to buy my magic wand here, okayyy? :(". and i went to ZUMIEZ and bought a t-shirt which i love. and then i came home to streamers and a lot of my friends being like "SURPRISE!!!" and we danced and ate and played XBOX and took a ridiculous amount of pictures :D

annnnd i looked prettier than normal yesterday :)

life is gooooooooooooood

i love you!

in the debate last night,

Senator McCain was more than a little disrespectful. what with all the scoffs, interruptions, and eye-rolls, he seemed like more of an adolescent being lectured than a presidential candidate. Barack Obama was nothing but respectful during McCain's responses, nodding calmly. he did smile and chuckle, but that was about as rude as he got. I definitely think that Obama is right to respect McCain. I am insanely grateful to and amazed by John McCain, what with him being a war hero, and i think a good person, in general. But i don't think that means he would be a better president, and i don't think that puts him in any way above Senator Obama as a human being. I mean really, the rudeness McCain displayed was unnecessary and showed more desperation than anything else. so.

the news is depressing. i mean honestly, an act of cruelty, no matter how small, gets mentioned in the morning, for everyone to hear, dampening peoples' faith in humanity just a little bit more. but kindness has to be in some enormously noticeable form to be mentioned, which is unfair. :( :( :( if i'm ever a news-caster, i won't be like that. i'll inform people of the negative things they need to know, of course, but i'll also say NICE things. SIMPLE, NICE, HAPPY, POSITIVE THINGS. that brighten peoples' days.

i'm wearing orange nail polish right now, and i'm loving watching my fingers type, because they just flash color with ever key they tap. excellentttttt...

i love you!

it's my BIRTHDAYYY

GAH best day ever!
love you, whoever's reading this!

a 'real post' is coming sooooon, but i have FOURTEEN CANDY BARS TO EAT (ahaha my friends over-did things...)

When you die

do you want it to be like a lightbulb burning out?
or like a light bulb fucking EXPLODING, throwing light and sound and clear sharp glass everywhere, making people notice, and have your death be one of the most thrilling moments of your life?

i think i'd take either one, as long as death doesn't come anytime soon.

and as long as the lightbulb doesn't just, you know, break

My birthdayyyy

is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!

It's fall it's fall!

my favorite season

hello beautiful :)

i guess i'm kind of in a good mood, ish.

well, i'm so used to being so happy all the time, and the last few days (weeks :(...) it's been so stressful and yucky

and i guess i'm still like learning how to be myself again, which, to be honest, SUCKS.

but here i am, listening to So Much Love by The Rocket Summer

listen to that song for me, okay? it's amazing. everything about it.

sooooo my birthday's in FOUR DAYS! lalalalala

okay. so. there is a girl who i ~~~~~will not name. and she is constantly wanting to prove that she is different. all "ZOMG IM CRAZY, ZOMG IM SO UNIQUE, ZOMG IM GOING TO DO SOMETHING WEIRD RIGHT NOW JUST TO PROVE THAT IM LESS NORMAL THAN YOU"

it's like, i get it, okay? i know that she's special. i love her more than anything, and i wish she would just be herself, instead of trying too hard to prove that she IS herself. this has only been happening over the last few days, and i just can't admit to myself that i might want a break. it's just, when she's "proving herself" like that, it tempts me to out-do her, you know? i just can't work with it. and she doesn't really get me anymore. well, she does. she knows where im coming from, she always will. but it seems like she wants to prove that she's better than me, that she's oh-so superior, and she's not. i'm not better than her in any way, and i'm not saying that i'm not WORSE than her, actually. i just don't think she should assume that. i mean, she's the person that has never failed to boost my self esteem, to make me happy. and now she's crumbling. something's going on with her, but how can i FIX THIS? i mean, i can't say all this stuff to her face. i can, i mean, but she would blow it off, or offer an explanation that is heartbraking, that i can't disagree with, but just proves more how ~~~~amazing and unique and different she is. but really, she needs to get fucking over herself. not that i would ever say that. or think that. but, um, i did. and she needs to GET FUCKING OVER HERSELF, is the thing. she NEEDS to. because she's not the person i need and love and so on.

:(